honestly,i think i am suffering from depression. i cant sleep, keep thinking about what did i done wrong, why this shit happened to me,i cant eat,cant study.. basically cant do anything apart from thinking about him. i miss him alot.. all im doing is sleep on my bed the whole freaking day,thinking thinking.........
life suck huh?? god always take away the thing that u love the most. why?? i dont know. i thought he is surpose to love us n provide for us anything that we need.. now,GOD,if u r reading this,i need him.. can u get him back for me??? or atleast show me the freaking future,will i endup with him??? i hate suspenses in stories,including mine..
after everything he already put me through,all the drama n roller coaster rides,i still love him. i really mean it when i say ill love him no matter what. love=patients, kind, and endurance.. but,he cant see it.. because,im a sin in his way,a burden.. i have to admite,at this point, i am loving someone who dosent loves me..
do u guys know the story of a painter, vincent van gogh?? a song was written about him,its called stary stary night. its about him,loving his painting much. he paint the world as how he sees it. he was so in love with it,but his paintings cant love him back,cant understand him. n at last,he commit suicide.weirdly,i know what is he thinking now... to love n not to be loved back..
i lost about 8kg. (55kg-47kg).. at first,i didnt believe when everyone was telling me im loosing weight. i was like,i didnt even try to loose any. i just hop on the weighing machine n i was shocked. this happened because i was unhappy.its getting a grip of me,n sadly,i get let it be,i cant do anything anymore.
he said,im annoying him. im selfish (but isent he?? he just left). seek god?? im trying,day n nite,asking him to handle all of dis 4 me,my strength is not enough,i need his. i need it so that i will have him back. to get him back..ask me again,do u think he is the one?? yes,i do think he is the one. the one n only.. seriously,im not gona date anymore.... i hate my life....
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
my life
seriously,have you ever thought of the meaning of life on earth here?? why people are trying so hard to be successfull in life? what are they after?? better future?? n when they get a better future,they one something else better.. so,they keep chasing this "better thingy".
im 19 this year. i have been going to school since i was 6. that about 13 years of school.. "your purpose now is to study,not doing some kinda random shit." thats what my mom would say (kinda). im doing my f6 now. so after this,im going to university to get my degree in what ever i wana do. so most maybe another 3-4 years more of studying.. (crap.......)
so,i think im old enough to think where my life is heading now?? last time,i plan my whole future with my bf (aka daniel), which dump me as soon as he got me. so back to my story,my future.. what do i wana do?? what am i after?? and this stupid "what-am-i-after-thought" keep lingering in my mind.
do you really wana knw what do i think what are we/people after??
we are going after an illusion. yes,an illusion. things are always not good enough. we always want more n more n more... there is no ending. that,to me,sounds like an illusion.and the worst part is,we work so freaking hard,spending most of our lives chasing this "illusion", and in the end,we leave this earth empty handed.
so what you have loads of money in your LV bag?? so what you have a armani sweater??or even maybe a cartier watch to remind you that your days are getting shotter... when you die,will you be any better than those poor ones?? ashes to ashes,dust to dust.. how rich are you,your shit will still be as smelly as those ordinary people.
now, i will tell you frankly what i want. i want a single story house,just a tiny one will do, so i will feel closer to my family. i want an ordinary family,not rich,well to do will just be enough. because in my opinion,rich people always have weird problems.i want to live hapily for the rest of my life,i dont wana be sad,theres no time for that. actually,i had enough of sadness already..i dont wana be out standing in anyway,i just wana be a "chill n relax" kinda person. n of course,i wana share my happiness with someones else,my soul mate. i guess i never found him yet. that is what i really want. a simply life......
im 19 this year. i have been going to school since i was 6. that about 13 years of school.. "your purpose now is to study,not doing some kinda random shit." thats what my mom would say (kinda). im doing my f6 now. so after this,im going to university to get my degree in what ever i wana do. so most maybe another 3-4 years more of studying.. (crap.......)
so,i think im old enough to think where my life is heading now?? last time,i plan my whole future with my bf (aka daniel), which dump me as soon as he got me. so back to my story,my future.. what do i wana do?? what am i after?? and this stupid "what-am-i-after-thought" keep lingering in my mind.
do you really wana knw what do i think what are we/people after??
we are going after an illusion. yes,an illusion. things are always not good enough. we always want more n more n more... there is no ending. that,to me,sounds like an illusion.and the worst part is,we work so freaking hard,spending most of our lives chasing this "illusion", and in the end,we leave this earth empty handed.
so what you have loads of money in your LV bag?? so what you have a armani sweater??or even maybe a cartier watch to remind you that your days are getting shotter... when you die,will you be any better than those poor ones?? ashes to ashes,dust to dust.. how rich are you,your shit will still be as smelly as those ordinary people.
now, i will tell you frankly what i want. i want a single story house,just a tiny one will do, so i will feel closer to my family. i want an ordinary family,not rich,well to do will just be enough. because in my opinion,rich people always have weird problems.i want to live hapily for the rest of my life,i dont wana be sad,theres no time for that. actually,i had enough of sadness already..i dont wana be out standing in anyway,i just wana be a "chill n relax" kinda person. n of course,i wana share my happiness with someones else,my soul mate. i guess i never found him yet. that is what i really want. a simply life......
Saturday, February 14, 2009
another valentine
is just another day of my life. another ordinary day. wads the meaning of valentine??
couple holding hands walking around town spending quality time together??
or izit romantic candle light dinner up on the roof top of some building??
maybe just lying down on the grass, under all the bright shinny stars shining down to u n ur significant other...
i never spend any of my valentines day with anybody before. yea true last year i was with daniel,but i was in america. i was totally looking foward for this years valentines. a time for just me n him. turns out no,i guess u guys knw wad happened... but yea,i did hv plans for today. just me n him. he usually will come see me in the morning on staurdays. so,my plan was to cook his favourite dish (chicken chop with pepper sos with a little smash potato n salad). eating his favourite dish while watching tv,or maybe some romantic dvds.after that,it will be like 3pm,he will hv to get back home for church.but before he leaves,ill give him a big hug n a kiss n a very special present that i bought him long time ago.n maybe after church.he will give me a call,telling me how chruch was. n he will get back home,wash up,n talk on the phone the whole night long.telling me how he loves me n telling me about our future together. but plans dosent always work out do they???
the truth is, today,i woke up crying. why?? because i can feel his hands hugging me tightly. his warm shallow breath on my cold cheeks, n his hairy, warm legs tangle up with my legs to give me some warm.i woke up immediately.thinking he was back by my side,i search for him. n when i cant find him,i cried. i cried in the dark of the night feeling so alone with no one to care.i wanted to call him,but i cant.he is not mine anymore.so, i tried to sleep n i cant. i waited until it was about 9am n i sms dee. asking her all sorts of questions about relationships.n this john called me up.
"eunice,pick me up from infinity.im also with my friend,daniel(some other guy name daniel as well)." so i went n pick him up about 11am i think. we went pacific n ate macd n after that,we went skating. it was fun. but as soon as i was done with the skating,i feel so alone again. i saw all those sweet couples holding hands,as if the whole world was theirs. n it reminded me,i was once loved n wanted by him.so anyway,we all went home about 4.30pm. i was so sad n depress,i just feel like lying on the bed n fall asleep.but i didnt. i was smsing with muhaimin (1 of my close fren) telling him how my life suck. n i cried again.he keep saying, "eunice,dont give up. u hv so much ahead of u, n im force to do f6 here. i dont wana see u being sad for the rest of the year." but i cant. i just cant. even after 2 months,i still cant.especially today,a very special day..
so yea,after all that,now,im sitting here typing my miserable life to let u guys read. u wana know eunice?? read,n now,u know me fully. this year,i didnt even touch any of my books. i feel like giving up d. why try so hard when everything is gona end up bad anyway??
couple holding hands walking around town spending quality time together??
or izit romantic candle light dinner up on the roof top of some building??
maybe just lying down on the grass, under all the bright shinny stars shining down to u n ur significant other...
i never spend any of my valentines day with anybody before. yea true last year i was with daniel,but i was in america. i was totally looking foward for this years valentines. a time for just me n him. turns out no,i guess u guys knw wad happened... but yea,i did hv plans for today. just me n him. he usually will come see me in the morning on staurdays. so,my plan was to cook his favourite dish (chicken chop with pepper sos with a little smash potato n salad). eating his favourite dish while watching tv,or maybe some romantic dvds.after that,it will be like 3pm,he will hv to get back home for church.but before he leaves,ill give him a big hug n a kiss n a very special present that i bought him long time ago.n maybe after church.he will give me a call,telling me how chruch was. n he will get back home,wash up,n talk on the phone the whole night long.telling me how he loves me n telling me about our future together. but plans dosent always work out do they???
the truth is, today,i woke up crying. why?? because i can feel his hands hugging me tightly. his warm shallow breath on my cold cheeks, n his hairy, warm legs tangle up with my legs to give me some warm.i woke up immediately.thinking he was back by my side,i search for him. n when i cant find him,i cried. i cried in the dark of the night feeling so alone with no one to care.i wanted to call him,but i cant.he is not mine anymore.so, i tried to sleep n i cant. i waited until it was about 9am n i sms dee. asking her all sorts of questions about relationships.n this john called me up.
"eunice,pick me up from infinity.im also with my friend,daniel(some other guy name daniel as well)." so i went n pick him up about 11am i think. we went pacific n ate macd n after that,we went skating. it was fun. but as soon as i was done with the skating,i feel so alone again. i saw all those sweet couples holding hands,as if the whole world was theirs. n it reminded me,i was once loved n wanted by him.so anyway,we all went home about 4.30pm. i was so sad n depress,i just feel like lying on the bed n fall asleep.but i didnt. i was smsing with muhaimin (1 of my close fren) telling him how my life suck. n i cried again.he keep saying, "eunice,dont give up. u hv so much ahead of u, n im force to do f6 here. i dont wana see u being sad for the rest of the year." but i cant. i just cant. even after 2 months,i still cant.especially today,a very special day..
so yea,after all that,now,im sitting here typing my miserable life to let u guys read. u wana know eunice?? read,n now,u know me fully. this year,i didnt even touch any of my books. i feel like giving up d. why try so hard when everything is gona end up bad anyway??
Thursday, February 12, 2009
wish for a true love
"i wish for a true love,thats all i really wanted from him". thats wad she told me. i was hugging her n she was crying her eyes out.
"its ok,he will one day realise that you are the best for him". that is all i could do to comfort her.i hug her even tighter just to remind her that im here for her. i can feel that shes so broken n sad in the inside. her heart pumps slowly but consistantly at the same time.
i myself had my heart broken once,but to see her suffer like that, reminds me of what i went through. n i know,all i can do for her is to stay by her n listen to what she has to say.i wish i can do more to ease her pain.its so painful for me to see her like this. she used to be a very happy, out going kinda gurl,n now,she is showing me her suffering side.
"look honey,you are a very strong person. i know,you can pull through this n u will know what to do. dont worry,its his lost,not yours.i know he is everything to you,but please, promise me that you will stay strong no matter what. ok? only time will tell." she looked at me with her glowing eyes that is fill with sadness n hug me even tighter. life is so not fair. shit happens to people. but why her?? that guy loved her so much n he just left. thats more than unfair,thats outrages,stupid n useless.
but what is done,is done. bottom line is he left,thats it. he left her like how you leave rubbish by the roadside. i really did feel like punching that guy in his bloody damn face. how can he treat her like that?? who does he thinks he is?? such a jerk..
as i was sitting there wondering to myself all that happened,i was staring at her face n i feel so happy for her. shes smiling n talking to this lovely guy that i felt like punching him last time. around them,people talking joyfully n felt happy for them. she smiled to me n walk up to me. her lovely white dress flows beautifully as she walks towards me, her hair cascade down to her shoulder, she just looked stunning. she stand infront of me n without saying a word,she threw herself at me n hug me like how she used to hug me when she was sad.
this time,i can feel her happy n she is glad for everything.this time, her heart pumps steadily but nervously at the same time. "thanks for everything. you are truely someone that i placed deep in my heart. time did heal me. time did prove everything. n now,im standing here as a living prove. dont giveup,fight for it, n then,let time work things out." she is hand in hand with that bloody guy that hurted her so much, n yes,she fought for it. n yes,she stayed by him. n yes,her effort of waiting did prove her well. n to me as well.
i cried. my drops of tears flow onto her white dress. n now,its her turn to comfort me,to stand by me. i force myself to stop,i cant ruin her day. yup,her day. as i look around, i feel so happy for her,she deserve this. lighted lavender essence candles fills the room with a dim light,the sound of soft colliding champage glasses fills the air, white pattles of roses scattered on the beige carpet floor,everyone was smiling brighter than the stars in the sky n most important of all,the man in her life standing beside her hand in hand, promised to never leave her nor forsake her.everything goes so perfectly with her white long dress. yes,its her wedding. yes,its her day. and yes,my best friend is getting marry to her true love. what she always wanted all along. nothing more,nothing less. she earn hard for it. for that,i love her n i admire her.
you see,there is no such thing as true love. there is no such thing is fate. you want something,work hard for it,and if u work hard enough,it will pay you grately. she wanted true love,n she DID work hard for it. and now,shes happy.i cried because im so disappointed in myself. i did not work hard enough,thats why i lost the love of my life,i let it slip away.im not as strong as she is. but im gona work hard to have her determination n courage.for that,i hope she will stand by me n support me,as how i supported her...
eunice lee
"its ok,he will one day realise that you are the best for him". that is all i could do to comfort her.i hug her even tighter just to remind her that im here for her. i can feel that shes so broken n sad in the inside. her heart pumps slowly but consistantly at the same time.
i myself had my heart broken once,but to see her suffer like that, reminds me of what i went through. n i know,all i can do for her is to stay by her n listen to what she has to say.i wish i can do more to ease her pain.its so painful for me to see her like this. she used to be a very happy, out going kinda gurl,n now,she is showing me her suffering side.
"look honey,you are a very strong person. i know,you can pull through this n u will know what to do. dont worry,its his lost,not yours.i know he is everything to you,but please, promise me that you will stay strong no matter what. ok? only time will tell." she looked at me with her glowing eyes that is fill with sadness n hug me even tighter. life is so not fair. shit happens to people. but why her?? that guy loved her so much n he just left. thats more than unfair,thats outrages,stupid n useless.
but what is done,is done. bottom line is he left,thats it. he left her like how you leave rubbish by the roadside. i really did feel like punching that guy in his bloody damn face. how can he treat her like that?? who does he thinks he is?? such a jerk..
as i was sitting there wondering to myself all that happened,i was staring at her face n i feel so happy for her. shes smiling n talking to this lovely guy that i felt like punching him last time. around them,people talking joyfully n felt happy for them. she smiled to me n walk up to me. her lovely white dress flows beautifully as she walks towards me, her hair cascade down to her shoulder, she just looked stunning. she stand infront of me n without saying a word,she threw herself at me n hug me like how she used to hug me when she was sad.
this time,i can feel her happy n she is glad for everything.this time, her heart pumps steadily but nervously at the same time. "thanks for everything. you are truely someone that i placed deep in my heart. time did heal me. time did prove everything. n now,im standing here as a living prove. dont giveup,fight for it, n then,let time work things out." she is hand in hand with that bloody guy that hurted her so much, n yes,she fought for it. n yes,she stayed by him. n yes,her effort of waiting did prove her well. n to me as well.
i cried. my drops of tears flow onto her white dress. n now,its her turn to comfort me,to stand by me. i force myself to stop,i cant ruin her day. yup,her day. as i look around, i feel so happy for her,she deserve this. lighted lavender essence candles fills the room with a dim light,the sound of soft colliding champage glasses fills the air, white pattles of roses scattered on the beige carpet floor,everyone was smiling brighter than the stars in the sky n most important of all,the man in her life standing beside her hand in hand, promised to never leave her nor forsake her.everything goes so perfectly with her white long dress. yes,its her wedding. yes,its her day. and yes,my best friend is getting marry to her true love. what she always wanted all along. nothing more,nothing less. she earn hard for it. for that,i love her n i admire her.
you see,there is no such thing as true love. there is no such thing is fate. you want something,work hard for it,and if u work hard enough,it will pay you grately. she wanted true love,n she DID work hard for it. and now,shes happy.i cried because im so disappointed in myself. i did not work hard enough,thats why i lost the love of my life,i let it slip away.im not as strong as she is. but im gona work hard to have her determination n courage.for that,i hope she will stand by me n support me,as how i supported her...
eunice lee
Sunday, February 8, 2009
14 truth
my boyfriend just broke up with me and this is the outcome of it. remember those sweet words he promised u n said he will sacrifice for u no matter what?? well,at last,he blame me for changing him.so this is what i had to go through.im pouring this out from my heart. hope u guys learn something from it,or please please try to avoid it. its very hard for me,especially i put him so close to my heart n he did this to me.
1) when he tells u that he likes u for who u are n expect u to change for him,he only likes u for ur looks n trying to change u for wad ever suits him. being in a relationship,u dont expect him or her to change for u,but,u love them for who they are
2) when he tells u dat he loves u n he will follow u where ever u go n said dat it is selfish to expect u to follow him where ever he is going,he is expecting u to follow him. he left me because im not going where he is going
3) sometimes i wonder,did i spend my whole entire 2 years with someone i adore n actually,he turns out to be a stranger??? i mean,he treats me like a piece of crap (now)
4) remember those little things u guys did together that meant so much to u (sitting on the sofa n watching tv,walking in the mall hand in hand,etc..)?? sometimes i wonder,wad does it mean to him?? as i see it now,he dosent give a crap
5) he promised me that he will never let me go n he will always stay by my side no matter wad happens. but now,he is telling me he is tired of me..n all he can say is i was stupid to trust him.
6) he blame me for changing him for the worst. it is those things i ask him not to do n he told me he is willing to do it for me (like not playing comp games n all). now its my fault he is not spending enough time with his friends
7) his family hated me for "distracting his son from his studies". but i always tried my very best to help him,but, my effort just went down the drain. everyone just look at me like im in his way of doing something greater. n now,he looks at me that way as well
8) i did ask him not to come see me when there is an exam going on,but he says he needs to see me. n when he fails,its my fault somehow.. now he is blaming me for everything (now). im just so frustrated
9) he blame me for forcing him to come see me when he is busy, but all i wana do is see him for the last time before he goes on a 1 week vacation which i will miss him very much.but,all i am now,is a dirty burden in his way
10) his friends keep telling him to break up with me. but when they are infront of me,they were super nice to me. what kinda double face crap is that???!!! they dont even know what me and him had..they are not in the relationship. all they can see is he is not spending time with them
11) he told me that he will bring me where ever he is going n when things come in to our way,he will work it out. but now,he just gave up n he tells me that he is tired n frustrated of me.come on,WTF did i even do??
seriously,i have no clue..
12) last time,he hated it when im sad n i cry. now,he tells me,my suffering cant be compare to his when he fails in his exam.he told me,wadever u r feeling,its nothing(as in nothing to him)
13) he said he forgave me everything that happened in the past.. but now,he keep on bringing it up. n honestly,to me,dat is not forgiveness. that it just keeping it inside n waiting for it to explode.
14) i flew all the way back from america because i miss him so much. now he is telling me i was stupid n naive for doing that.. such a heartless guy
what i learned from this is i cant trust anyone,especially, i put him so close to me n i trusted him. he did this. its very heart breaking n day n nite (everyday without fail) i keep thinking WTF did i did??all i came out with is,im just not good enough for him. i gave him everything i own n if thats not good enough,i dont knw wad is.
eunice lee
1) when he tells u that he likes u for who u are n expect u to change for him,he only likes u for ur looks n trying to change u for wad ever suits him. being in a relationship,u dont expect him or her to change for u,but,u love them for who they are
2) when he tells u dat he loves u n he will follow u where ever u go n said dat it is selfish to expect u to follow him where ever he is going,he is expecting u to follow him. he left me because im not going where he is going
3) sometimes i wonder,did i spend my whole entire 2 years with someone i adore n actually,he turns out to be a stranger??? i mean,he treats me like a piece of crap (now)
4) remember those little things u guys did together that meant so much to u (sitting on the sofa n watching tv,walking in the mall hand in hand,etc..)?? sometimes i wonder,wad does it mean to him?? as i see it now,he dosent give a crap
5) he promised me that he will never let me go n he will always stay by my side no matter wad happens. but now,he is telling me he is tired of me..n all he can say is i was stupid to trust him.
6) he blame me for changing him for the worst. it is those things i ask him not to do n he told me he is willing to do it for me (like not playing comp games n all). now its my fault he is not spending enough time with his friends
7) his family hated me for "distracting his son from his studies". but i always tried my very best to help him,but, my effort just went down the drain. everyone just look at me like im in his way of doing something greater. n now,he looks at me that way as well
8) i did ask him not to come see me when there is an exam going on,but he says he needs to see me. n when he fails,its my fault somehow.. now he is blaming me for everything (now). im just so frustrated
9) he blame me for forcing him to come see me when he is busy, but all i wana do is see him for the last time before he goes on a 1 week vacation which i will miss him very much.but,all i am now,is a dirty burden in his way
10) his friends keep telling him to break up with me. but when they are infront of me,they were super nice to me. what kinda double face crap is that???!!! they dont even know what me and him had..they are not in the relationship. all they can see is he is not spending time with them
11) he told me that he will bring me where ever he is going n when things come in to our way,he will work it out. but now,he just gave up n he tells me that he is tired n frustrated of me.come on,WTF did i even do??
seriously,i have no clue..
12) last time,he hated it when im sad n i cry. now,he tells me,my suffering cant be compare to his when he fails in his exam.he told me,wadever u r feeling,its nothing(as in nothing to him)
13) he said he forgave me everything that happened in the past.. but now,he keep on bringing it up. n honestly,to me,dat is not forgiveness. that it just keeping it inside n waiting for it to explode.
14) i flew all the way back from america because i miss him so much. now he is telling me i was stupid n naive for doing that.. such a heartless guy
what i learned from this is i cant trust anyone,especially, i put him so close to me n i trusted him. he did this. its very heart breaking n day n nite (everyday without fail) i keep thinking WTF did i did??all i came out with is,im just not good enough for him. i gave him everything i own n if thats not good enough,i dont knw wad is.
eunice lee
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
